You know how it goes. Sometimes things just hit you. And you weren't expecting them to, and you did a really good job of not letting them...but then they do.
You know how it goes.
About five or six years ago, my grandma (I called her Nana) was diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimer's. I was too young to really "get it", even when she was placed in a fantastically loving and caring senior community/assisted living center near our house. I never really understood the change that was happening inside of her mind, and I didn't really know how to cope. So I kind of ignored it, being a high-schooler and therefore a little less mature about these things. Though really, I don't think anyone really matures in this way. Sometimes things are always scary or unusual, no matter how old you are.
This morning at 6:00am--after five or six years of struggle and decline--my Nana passed away.
It's a weird feeling, too. Because I know it's better that she's no longer with us, especially since she had been completely nonresponsive for three or so years. I haven't had a real conversation with her in a very long time--since before she was diagnosed--so in my mind, she was already gone. But now she really is.
It hit me like a stack of bricks about ten minutes ago. Took me all day for that to happen. And it's not so much that her passing was sudden, or that it was so difficult on me personally, or that I have millions of pink-edged memories of the two of us together (because frankly, I don't...she wasn't the pink-edged type). No, it's the fact that she's gone. Something has changed. Even when she was half-here, half-not, I got used to that being the status quo. And now the status quo has changed again. For good.
I don't really know why I'm saying all of this here. This isn't really the place for it, come to think of it. But I think I need to see my own words in front of me in order to understand what I'm thinking and feeling.
Phew. What a day.
But life's all about contrasts, isn't it? Nana couldn't have picked a prettier day. It was beautiful and sunny for part of the day, at least. The view from my route home was breathtaking. Work was good, today. School was good, today. I'm stuck in the middle of an interminable knitting project, but that will soon pass as well, and when it's done I'll be able to enjoy it.
Give and take, eh?
In the spirit of contrasts, I also entered my first poetry contest, today. The Wergle Flomp poetry contest, which awards a cash prize to the best humorous poems. It was just a shot in the dark, but I thought it might be a fun thing to do, today. Give me a little something to smile about.
But then again...life in itself is something to smile about, isn't it?
God is good.