Sometimes I think I must be very boring.
I'm not looking for sympathy. You can agree or disagree with the above statement, it doesn't bother me any. But I've been mulling it over and over in my head, and I really do think I'm...at least somewhat...boring.
I don't go out much, though I do enjoy it on occasion. I've never been drunk (and never intend to be, thanks). I don't have a lot of drama in my life. I avoid complications whenever possible. I like to sit at home, knit a little, watch a movie, sit in the quiet and bask in stillness and listen to myself think. Dream about other worlds, or about new recipes to try, or about that beautiful antiquey thing I saw at the market the other day.
I wasn't always this way. I know it. Even a few years ago, I would enjoy drama. Feast on a bit of stress. Enjoy the prospect of staying up late and relish the thought of driving home in the wee hours. But somehow, that all faded, leaving me here. In my room, with the music off and the window open, listening to the gathering dark and the kids playing across the street and my own frenetic typing.
And it's hard to explain to people, this simplicity I've carved out for myself. Heck, it's hard to explain to ME sometimes, when I feel obligated to go out, or when I wonder if perhaps I would be a happier person with a little more crazy in my life.
But then I find myself sitting alone and undisturbed, and I remember why it is that I love the calm. I love that I know myself very intimately. More intimately than those who party nightly could EVER know themselves. I learn a new facet of my being every day, every hour, and I have the strength to face my foibles, and I have the wisdom to alter my paradigms. I am flexible, yielding, but unbreakable. And someday, I will be able to offer myself to another beloved person, and I'll actually know what the gift is inside the fancy wrapping paper. I'll know me.
I don't have to be you. You don't have to be me. But understand me, as I endeavor to understand you. You may find me boring. But I like it that way.